Last year I read Winter by Ali Smith (great book!) and something really struck me. I’ve been thinking about it ever since and how it connects with my own experience. I’ll give you some context to help me make these thoughts a bit less introspective.
So the story follows Art and his family over the Holidays. Art goes to his mum’s and wants to introduce his girlfriend, but instead, he ends up taking someone else, Lux. Lux, unlike Art, was not born in the UK, and English is not her first language. At a certain point in the book, a bus shows up and parks in front of the house. Lux knocks on the metal side of the bus and says, “I refute it bus”.
If you’ve heard of Appeal to the Stone, you’ll know this reference. Appeal to the Stone is a logical fallacy that dismisses an argument without further argumentation or evidence. It originates from a conversation between Dr Samuel Johnson and James Boswell. They were discussing Subjective Idealism — only the mind and the spirit exist, and the existence of material things depends on our perception of them. Both Johnson and Boswell disagreed with this theory but had no way to prove its untruth, so Johnson stood up, kicked a stone in their path and said, “I refute it thus”.
I think we can agree this is a clever joke. Lux touches the bus hence proving it exists. Art also thinks it is a clever joke, so clever that he finds it unbelievable it came from this immigrant girl. Smith writes:
“how could she know to make a joke as complex as I refute it bus.
How could she know more about his own culture than he did, and such interesting things, and not just know them but know them so well that she could make jokes, make jokes about a culture that isn’t her culture and in a language that isn’t her first language?”
So why did this stick with me? You see, I was born and raised in Portugal. Portuguese is my first language, not English. But I’ve been working for international companies for quite a few years now, and work is a synonym of English. That’s not a problem, but it does mean that I’m not 100% myself in either worlds. My mum knows what I do, but only in the most superficial sense. Words like content manager, performance strategist, marketing lead have no meaning to her. It’s almost as if she memorises them for when someone asks, but if she were to squeeze them, nothing would come out.
At the same time, I stick to smiles and very basic jokes in my workplace. I’m not as easygoing as I am in other contexts because my jokes simply don’t land as well. On the occasions where I feel brave enough, and these attempts at jokes actually make my team laugh, it comes with surprise — ah, what a nice joke. I’m quite timid in general, but I’m a lot quieter in English. I also laugh more because I try to make up for my lack of participation. If you ask me why, I can’t tell you. I’m very comfortable with English, and I’m not embarrassed if I say something slightly off because, well, how’s your Portuguese? Still, I’m not entirely myself in either. There’s a bit of Art in my head, judging not other people, but myself. This newsletter here is my first try towards fighting it.
Sometimes I try to make an effort and see which one comes more naturally, but I’m always biased. I always think of an audience when I speak or write. It’s never just for me, so I don’t know which language is actually mine. Maybe none. Maybe this is just how it is.
I’m sorry if this reads like a stream of consciousness. It is precisely that, and I’m not sure I’ll be able to polish it off nicely. I think what I’m trying to say is that I am the bridge between these two worlds, their only connection, but if this bridge sits with me, then does it really exist? And am I ever whole? Or always in between?
Books
The Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula K. le Guin
If you follow me on Instagram, this is the least surprising recommendation in the history of recommendations. Still, here we are.
The Left Hand of Darkness is a literary beast and my fondness seems to grow a bit more every day. Le Guin takes gender and race and elegantly asks “how much of your truths are merely biased constructions?” It is absolutely striking, not because it was written in 1969 (great minds defy time) but because we could have started the conversation around gender politics a lot earlier if we cared to read between the lines.
As I wrote before, I intend to dive deep into sci-fi this year. My reading has been slow, but so so good. If you haven’t read The Left Hand of Darkness, please do. And if you have, drop me a message. I only know profound love or serious indifference, so you understand how much I’m obsessed with this.
Films
Licorice Pizza by Paul Thomas Anderson (2021)
I haven’t been watching much lately, but PTA has a special place in my heart. Licorice Pizza follows the life of a young girl in the 70’s (amazing soundtrack, go listen) as she meets a 16 y/o boy that changes her life. It is a coming-of-age film, but in the most brilliant sense and I do recommend it vividly.
There was some critique around a specific scene with terrible humour that I obviously agree with (it doesn’t take a genius to understand when something is purely offensive), but I also believe that you can look at art through several lenses. In terms of cinematic possibilities, I see PTA as really one of the best American directors currently working.
This is a simple, easy film, so don’t expect to feel intellectually challenged or to indulge in an experimental affair. No. It is easy and fun. And I have to add that it’s incredibly refreshing to see real people in a movie, as well as actual teenagers playing their age.
Okay bye
This is it from me. I got my third Covid shot yesterday, so bear with me if this is not the most coherent thing you ever read. I’m off now to lie for a bit with JG Ballards’ short stories, but if you want to know more about Metalanguages of the Mind, see the about me section here.
In the meantime, I hope you stick around and feel free to reach me on Instagram: @fast.continuous
Oh and here’s my Letterboxd!
Catarina, I loved this! The beginning really resonates with me. I, too, feel like I’m constantly in-between, and it’s something that I’ve at different times enjoyed and struggled through. No good answers here from me, but just know you’re not alone in it. Looking forward to your next newsletter!