I got fired this week. Well, they don’t call it ‘fired’ in these little corporate jobs. Fired, apparently, is when you do something wrong. In this case, it was a collective thing, not an individual one. Like it’s not really attached to me. “You are absolutely great, we just don’t have the funds.” It’s a consequence of something bigger than me, bigger than any of the people this happened to. But yeah, I got fired. Call it whatever, but the outcome is the same, and I don’t know what to do with these words. Nothing in my mind is clear right now.
I keep thinking of this one line from Six Feet Under where Claire is really immersed in regret/emotion/sadness for something she can’t control anymore. She’s crying, and Nate tells her:
Stop listening to the static.
What does that mean? I always thought it was about the outside world. Those external obstacles we have to face in life, like dealing with obnoxious people or, I don’t know, money issues. These things carry weight and can really mess you up. They have the power to stop you. But looking at it now, I can see I got it all wrong. Things happen on the outside, but the static is exclusively ours. It’s how we feel the world — good & bad — and how we let it invade us. My head is filled with static right now. It skips between fear / misery / uncertainty / relief(?) / hope and I can’t seem to stop it.
Stop listening to the static.
Everyone with anxiety knows what a foggy brain is. When you can’t focus, and everything seems to be slipping from your memory & attention despite how hard you try to grab it. This is how it feels — just a little more extreme.
There was a time a few years back when I was really into the stoics. Well, into one great stoic, Marcus Aurelius. I read Meditations and really loved how controlled and composed he was — unaffected by the external world, non-expectant, indifferent. There’s really some superiority in not letting your emotions be ruled by what you can’t control, which meant that for ages, I kept this line close to me:
You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.
But it’s also tough to keep this going, especially for someone like me. I’ve mentioned before that I have a strict moral code that I simply can’t diverge from. This and the fact that I’m mostly unimpressed with the world would make great grounds for a stoic. But every now and then, something comes along that touches me in the most profound way. It can be the first notes of any piece by Maurice Ravel or something silly like finally realizing the meaning behind a painting or a poem. I’m unflappable until I’m not, so stoicism wouldn’t have me.
Amid all this madness, though, I started reading Tao Te Ching. For those who might not know, this is a Chinese classic text, essential for both philosophical and religious Taoism. I don’t know why, don’t ask me, I just picked it up and started reading it. And this is what I found in passage 67, Three treasures.
Is this reassuring to you? Perhaps not, but it was to me. Like stoicism, but optimistic and compassionate. These little verses were very comforting on the exact same day the rug was pulled from under me by men who think of themselves as too cool to wear suits. So here I am, writing another letter that wasn’t supposed to be like this while realizing that what’s supposed to be is very fragile and easily shattered. I’ll be okay, though. The day after being let go, I won a contest. A friend was doing a giveaway, and I won. I didn’t even do anything really, but the prize was a book, and I got it. You lose a job, you win a book. Emotionally it seems like a good balance.
TV
Bojack Horseman (2014), Raphael Bob-Waksberg
Let’s not even pretend I’m not absolutely miserable writing this — hence this rec. This isn’t a recent watch — I actually watched this many years ago, finally ending it when the last episode came out in 2020. Half of you will know why I’m recommending this now. The other half probably just hasn’t seen it. Bojack is just like any other cartoon show: funny, sometimes too idiotic, overall relatable. And then it hits you. It’s a very emotionally draining show, and it can really fck with your mind and your perception of self. But it’s really good. I’m not into comedies (like at all), and still, I always recommend this stupid little show.
Music
Yaeji — EP 1 & 2 (2017)
Again with an old love here, but this month I got the vinyl of both Yaeji’s EPs, and I’m just loving having them on loop. Yaeji (listen here) makes electronic music, but she combines different influences like hip hop, smooth vocals and a bit of house. Her lyrics are beautiful in a super chill way, both in Korean and English.
bye x
For some reason that I can only relate to a weird sense of transparency, I tend to feel like I should tell you which day I’m writing this on. It’s Friday, and you’ll be getting this letter on Monday. When I first started this substack, the main challenge / goal for me was to be vulnerable and open and write as honestly as I could. Looking at this one, I can say I’m proud of myself for putting it out. Vulnerability is tied to kindness and compassion. So thank you for reading me and, as usual, feel free to write me on Instagram @fast.continuous.